but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
