Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
