drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
