mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
