Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
