VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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