there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
