:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
