I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
