Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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