I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
