I think I just saw someone hide a body.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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