You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
