For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
That was before I lit my hair on fire
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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