i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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