I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
