I puked a lego.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
