sarcasm needs its own font
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Pants are for mortals
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize