i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
