my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
