I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
