im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
