tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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