so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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