Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
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