i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize