This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
