I just saw a hot homeless man
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
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