girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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