I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
