I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
