Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
