After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
