turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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