Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize