Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
