Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
