this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
