if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
