Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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