wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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