you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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