i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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