Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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