I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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