help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
