She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
