ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
