there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
