I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
