I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
