So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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