True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
