I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
