I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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