you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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