i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
